small child speaking

absence of leave

in my dream today i was really into some kind of talkm show. i don't remember which one but it was an older one. also some stuff about battlestar galactica (the reboot) and me doing bad things.

it might be pervy for me to say this but it's also something that happened. was on the bus yesterday and i saw this one woman, and she didn't have panties on. i wasn't trying to look at her to see if that was the case, i just noticed because she got up, and her pants had kinda sagged down, so you saw a good amount of her ass. it was just odd. i happened to be on the bus because i was donating plasma for the first time finally. it's a pretty good payment plan, actually. i think sooner rather than later i'll have a sampler, and we can finally get to doin some shit around here! (assuming i don't get burnt out and feel like kiling myself or have another musical/alias crisis or i get kidnapped or something)

i'm gonna be gone for a bit, i'm going up to a casino for a day and a half, so i won't be able to update the blog because i don't plan on bringing a lot with me. but it'll be a pretty short trip, so it's not gonna be major or nothin.

honestly i don't really have all that much to say. byebee.

i'm dumb

hello hello. its nearly two in the morning. my hair has a weird musty smell to it that i think is from the air on our house. but i might also just smell weird. i shaved recently and nicked myself pretty good in the chin, but it's alright. i look much better when i shave. i really haven't done all that much recently because i'm still procrastinating on stuff like donating plasma, signing up for next year of college, music stuff, anything really. earlier tonight i was working on a noisy soundspaz thing in audacity but i kind of just stopped. i do intend to finish it but i dunno if i'll like it all that much.

ok, i'll basically do the huge "wah wah im autistic about making music :( wahhh" blog now.

when you've effectively been doing music for 15 years, or basically your whole life, you very much lose that amateurish drive long in that journey, where you just sort of do stuff randomly without much thought behind it, and you get a lot more skilled and more technical about things. that can be good, don't get me wrong, it's always good to be well versed in techniques, but it can kind of take away from the fun of just creating. i think this is something that people who play regular instruments are better with, because it's not like they have to put a tune together, they can just play their guitar or flute. however when you're a sampler or a noise artist, or god forbid a breakcore artist, you have to be a lot more thoughtful, and ultimately this can kind of prevent you from just doing whatever. i have been dousing myself heavily in duran duran duran's old stuff for the past two months, and i kind of wish i could have that drive, of just making stuff that he seemed to have. his output (which has always been relatively restrained compared to his contemporaries) slowed heavily after 2007, though admittedly his first album was supposed to come out in like 2003 or 2004, so he had had like 5-7 years in by that point. but it still feels like even though he did it meticiously in a wave editor, there's still that young punkish drive to it, where he just didn't give a fuck.

that's what i really obsess over having, because i straight up do not have that anymore. like, i got into fl studio when i was young, and when i got a bit tired of that, i started messing with ableton, then i started messing with openmpt (which honestly i would probably still use today, but i have a mac and i've yet to bother setting up wine.) i really clicked well with that program. but like, i've bought a license for bitwig, i've bought a license for ableton, i've bought a license for renoise, but none of those programs really make me feel like writing stuff. all the free trackers don't make me feel like writing stuff, though the fasttracker 2 clone by 8bitbubsy is the most pleasurable to use. if it's a 1:1 clone then god damn, that must've been a luxury back in the DOS days. but nothing really makes me feel like writing, especially because i'm very sample-reliant. i have trouble translating my ideas into a physical form becaues to do so, i would need to sample stuff, but i literally make it up in my head. it doesn't exist. i kind of wish i did more straightforward electronic, and i mean i could, but then i'd feel like i'm being too intentional about it. a lot of what really keeps me from getting into the zone is also the internet, feeling like i have to be on it 24/7, to be available, to talk to my friends whenever they talk to me. i feel like i have to check everything, and i'm easily distracted. it's all stuff that would go away with discipline, but even then, what am i doing then? just sort of lethargically trying to put stuff together then binning it because it sounds cheesy to me? so much of my ideas or sounds end up coming off so weirdly cheesy, like whenever i write in renoise, or when i try to write a nutty little breakchop, it just sounds really lame and cliche. you are your worst critic and i recognize my brain is absolutely programmed to be super heavy in that department (see OCD for further details), but c'mon this is a bit much innit?

an aside: my spacebar keeps glitching and i don't appreciate that. i think it's happening because of some food or drink under it, but it might've happened before then.

i think a good chunk of the problem is my displeasure with using modern computers, though. but even when i try and use hardware, oftentimes i'm not really inspired by that either! i have an mc-307 and it's actually okay to program but the drums are kinda lame. but i only ever make loops on it, and i'm never inspired or driven enough to actually do a full song on it. my electribe es-1 was only okay when it was working, my ep-133 that i sold wasn't bad but i just didn't care enough to program on it (but i also bought it misunderstanding what i was looking for, so that's definitely my fault.) i like my po-33 the most, but even then the sample memory is limited enough that it's not like i could do a lot of the ideas i want. i think the most i've enjoyed doing music is when i can really improvise, and then edit. i did that with the unreleased tennis record that i need to put out, and a lot of the no input stuff i've done is fun. but i'm like, i wanna do breakcore or whatever. i really shouldn't be complaining becaues the whole point of that genre is that it's about super fucked up intense edits, so i think my stuff would be more industrial or something, but like. i only ever have fun improvising stuff. i'm already a depressed anxious person, so when i feel so mental about my main hobby that arguably keeps my spirits up, i just feel even worse. i really ought to take a break and do some art and writing, but fun fact my brain doesn't stop there, because then i feel like i'm trying to do too many different things and i should only focus on one thing, and that i'm being a poser. i always feel like i'm a lameass poser and i'm trying to do everything for attention and followers. that's a real big annoyance with releasing stuff. i feel like i no longer make music for my sake, but more because it's The Thing I Do, and since i don't have a job, i feel the need to use it as my main source of income (which has maybe worked out 8% of the time. remembering the time i put together 11 copies of a 4 minute glitchcore thing on tape, and maybe one person bought it at my school festival. i don't even have a recording of my noise set i did at that festival, which especially blows because at said festival, i got covid.)

i do understand a lot of this is simply my brain's intrusive thought process at work. i mean, intrusive thoughts is mostly when your brain makes you think of doing fucked up stuff, but honestly all of that might be related to it. i'm not the most mentally stable person, sometimes i've come near the point where i think about completely cutting everybody off and being a different person, or just completely by myself, and admittedly it's because i really wish i could be fully alone again. i do want friends, i think i would go mad without a person to talk to, but i also miss when i was 11, and i just browsed the internet for whatever, all by myself. back then though, i had the advantage of being in middle school, and people actually talked to me at school. i actually had friends in person then. that has fallen apart freshman year and onwards, so i only really have like three friends. the fact that the world has gotten severly worse since i left middle school and the fact that i really should've been born in 1989 or something also destroys me. it's corny to say, but i genuinely don't think i was made to be alive in this decade, i should've been born two decades earlier. that stems from the escapism addiction that stems from how awful living is now. since i keep thinking that our whole existence is gonna end in four years, that just causes me to feel even more stressed, but i am trying to do better at planning on my own timeline. but like, i don't even like the sound of 2033. ok, it actually rolls off the tongue well, but like, it's kind of an ugly number to look at right? why would you listen to something from 2033, when 2003 looks so much prettier? even 2015 is a bit prettier, but ultimately 1994-2011 has the most prettiest numbers for something to release in. i just have such awful luck. i can't get a therapist at the moment either, so i can't get any good resources for dealing with my thoughts, and i'm addicted to feeling bad.

i watched the first two episodes of moetan last night. it is indeed a fanservicey anime with short girls, but i treated it like a comedy. so far it hasn't had any rape by deception so it's certainly doing better than "revenge of the nerds". that movie was kinda lame, but if you watch "fear of a black hat", it's really funny to imagine that larry b. scott's character in RoTN grows up to be tasty-taste in fear, and that explains his reaction in some scenes. us americans have a tendency to criticize japan, but last i recall, jeffrey epstein was born in new york, not tokyo, so personally i think we should shut the fuck up.

i dunno man. am i stupid? i feel very stupid, and i always feel stupid. i'm not suicidal, but my quality of happiness is so pisspoor i wouldn't blame you if you thought i was. i'm sure i'll get out of my slump at some point, but i just don't know if i'll get out of it sooner rather than later. i'll leave you with a lame gay drabble i wrote about konata izumi and kagami hiiragi from lucky star the other night.

"Konata and Kagami sat next to each other on the train today. The clouds outside filled the sky, a gray tint, mild humidity, a chill in the wind. They were laying against each other for warmth, but also out of mild exhaustion. Both of them were just tired enough to where they couldn't muster up enough energy to keep their backs straight. Their eyes darted at each other, and they started to giggle a bit. They blushed, looking down at the floor. Konata hummed a tune, and it being one Kagami knew, she finished it. They smiled and fell asleep."

i'm very jealous of them.
-------r

bleh bluh blah (dreams)

nyaaaa! tp... i'm sleepy. i'm listening to the goreshit/dj ninja love mistake split and to be honest, it's just okay so far. NLM's tracks make me kind of tired. rest in peace though.

not much has been happening in my world recently. i might just include notes on my dreams in this one. today's dream i had an SP-1200 (or maybe a 1600, it was wider and I think had wood panelling) which was very cruel of god to do. i don't remember much else other than maybe i was sequencing on the 1200 itself, and i dunno if they can do that.

yea, i'm too sleepy. i'll just give some dream excerptz with super nerdy parts removed. i somehow managed to remember the dreams i had and write enough parts of them down in three consecutive days.

1: monday may 4th. had a dream i was in some kind of office of some kind metnal but it had a bunch of those fflock cameras. they were psising me off so i started messing with them and i hit the button on one a lot, it showed a message (i dont remember the text but it seemed like //////////// wrote it) and everything went into lockdown, i was scrambling, i think i passed by a security officer who was yet to know i was the cause. everyone thought the world was ending. there was some walking, i ended up in the last room, posting some stuff about something dumb but then i think i passed out. and it was like an epilogue of ///// (the rapper) now being able to see his kid via video chat or something for the first time in a yea. very strange

2: tuesday may 5th. rainy day, i was needing to go to my exam. spent extra money against my will. got in my truck (note: i don't own a truck). it was drifting and i wasn't in the right lane, and i ended up drifting or turning on some kind of drifting anti-mechanism, but i fell out of the truck and it just flew away, speeding down the road. i had to hunt it down, i ended up in a shed that was in the middle of the road that iirc my truck went into, and my pants were down in the shed. something sexual maybe.... but i put them back up. i dunno if i ever recovered the truck though. i have a truck speeding in my head now.

3: wednesday may 6th. i wrote that "in the earlier part of the dream i was doing some weird time travel shenanigans, and there might've been someone from deep space nine" (been watching that for the past month with my dad, makes sense it would slip into my brain.) but just a lot of time travel, slight peril, wibbly wobbly stuff. i think i left some vhs tapes for someone. i ended up with my laptop in an uber or a rideshare, and i got in the front and had "heat compilation" play. the uber driver left and i was in a room with a bunch of girls, including a trans chick i follow. apparently i was working on some kind of mousegirl porn-themed project and i showed it to that chick and she or all the girls found it funny. there was at some point some video about a girl standing up to some old republican yelling at her. then the trans chick was trying to get a huge dildo to go all the way through her and said something about liking sailor moon uniforms. then i woke up, cos god hates me.

i'm pobably gonna take a nap after i am done listening to this split. i can always do dishez later.

-r

twinkles winkle

lol, a couple days after i finished my schooling it got hacked. yay, now my data will be bought and sold by corporations so that they can shoot up my house with ozempic ads and piggy sex porn. i think they should make it legal to beat the shit out of your representatives so i can beat them to death with my fat throbbing futa cock... anyways, i tried to donate plasma today but i didn't have all the necessary papers, so i'm probably doing that on wednesday. i figure it might get me enough money in order to buy all the studio parts i need, and maybe to give to some people who are starving. i also need some money to renew my domain on the 19th, only like 13 dollars but even then that's hard as fuck.

so every country in the world is trying to push laughably malformed age verification laws to try and "keep kids safe." though if you've been paying attention, most of the people who write these bills like to rape infants and kittens up the ass with their erectile dysfunction dicks, so it's very much not about keeping kids safe. actual reasoning is that they want to surveil everyone's online activity, which they can already do anyway, but not as well. some places are even pushing for a digital ID system, instead of good ol paper, because then everything will be tied to an easily disabled ID instead of spread out amongst assets and credit cards. did you say something bad about pumpkin fuhrer on instagram? did you have a thought in your head about how you don't like license plate readers? tough shit, we're gonna shut off your gas, water, electrical, and oh yeah we're gonna send ice agents to your house to take you to the combination death camp / data center /mcdonalds in the next state over, and they're gonna rape you to death and then share pictures of your mutilated corpse on social media saying you were a hamas antifa hitler terrorist that bombed 9000 daycares. sorry, should have just obeyed chatgpt.

....sometimes i am too colorful. but haven't you noticed how most of our world leaders are really insistent on making their personal moral failings our problem? like jesus fuck, i've always thought myself to not be that intelligent (i always didn't believe people when they said i was smart), but recently i've realized that frankly, i'm fucking high-iq compared to these morons in congress, or in the uk, or in new zealand. because oh my god, nobody cares that you're a white 80 year old and you're afraid of losing your eighth home or your army of yachts, you're fucking 80. do us a favor and die already, you lived a completely meaningless life. our world is controlled not only by pedophiles, but by the most mentally challenged pedophiles ever. elvis presley was more mentally competent.
now sure, technically some of them are smart, like sam altman (allegedly) and alex karp (allegedly), and the people at the heritage foundation definitely have some good writers under their wing, but just because they might be smart, doesn't mean they're not fucking stupid. they cling on to a vision of the world presented by a bullshit book about a guy who came back to life and a stupid faggoty sky god who made trannies and yet hates them. why'd you make them then you fuckin notepad full of asshats? it's just all some dumb fuckin bullshit, and the worst part is that these people insist on making it our problem. no! we don't fucking care you fat fuckin weird ugly cunts! quit wasting my fucking time with your dollar store wall street child porn view of everything you twat!

sorry, i've just been really annoyed about a lot of that stuff recently. i keep spending a lot of time reading doomer posts on instagram and i think it's rotted my brain to extra mush, even more than the stuff that is considered brainrot. speaking of leftist infighting, i've recently gotten posts from people who want us to go back to a hunter-gatherer type of life. i think if i was able to hear one of these people out, i might agree with them on some things, but i just don't think that that lifestyle really suits a lot of people. also, as an electronic "musician", do i have to give up my samplers? do i need to eschew the music that makes me happy because it's the product of industry? i also wonder if these people accidentally harbor eugenic beliefs, because i imagine that if we are trying to breed us back to being best at hunting for food and surviving in the wild, then we're probably disposing of the autistics, the depressives, the people with dissociative identity disorder, etc. no? they are presumably unbeneficial to providing for a family, thus they would be bred out. and i don't really fuck with that. yeah, i have no proof that that is something these people believe, but it's my blog and i get to strawman however i want. plus i don't really know if people who cite ted kaczynski and still insist they don't support his actions are really qualified to speak on... anything a functioning human brain can comprehend.

not to be too unwoke, but this is how a lot of leftist discussion on the internet sounds to me.

hmm... anything good in my life? i might be playing a show soon with one of my friends, and that'll be pretty cool. i've also had a couple ideas for songs pop up in my head, though i don't have the equipment to execute them. i've been going on walks at 2 in the morning recently, and though i think i heard a very distant gunshot followed by screaming last night, they've been pretty enjoyable. i don't feel safe out at night, but i kind of like that. i would mind it less if i could listen to music, cos i remembered listening to a bombardier ep while walking by a park, and that was pretty nifty. my ear infection from last month i think cleared up, but i think the eardrum is still hearing. and it's possible i have yet another ear infection, but it could also be psychosomatic. stress is a fucking bitch. i'm stressed out about stressing out over things that stress me out and i'm stressed out about that.

anyways, if i don't update this blog and the site stays down forever, and there also happens to be a 4k ai-enhanced video with that tom mcdonald mashup of a fat kid tied down getting fucked by a horse until its cock is poking out of his mouth and there's israel and swastika tattoos on his body... well.. i'm not saying that's me... but i am pretty phat.

peace.

aah, a mac!!

for potentially the 23rd and onwards time today i am listening to "winkles twinkle" by goreshit. the number is inflated because i've looped it multiple times earlier.

so anyways, im writing this on a mac. a week ago at college i was planning on enjoying a very delicious cookies and cream coffee while using my laptop. however i happened to move to a table that was not very stable. guess what happens when you put most of your weight on one side of an unstable table, that side being the one where things slide towards you and your laptop?
my mousepad now no longer works, the crack is no longer noticeable, and basically my laptop's a bit fucked. it was only like 30 dollars, or hell even free, so it's not like a waste of money but it kinda sucks. i only had that for about 6 months or so, and i was really psyched to put linux mint back on there. i might still do so, but i'm less inclined now that it may have some damage. the touchpad is absolutely fucked, and the irony is that i probably did that in an attempt to clean it to *prevent* it from being fucked up. i happen to have my brother's old laptop in my room, so i'm gonna hunt down the charger for that, and see if maybe i can use that as a main laptop with linux. laptops cause me so much trouble.

my korg electribe es-1 no longer functions properly. it doesn't load memory correctly (though this could be a mac os issue, i should test a windows laptop. it doesn't even power the smartmedia reader well enough to read compactflash cards, which is odd.) and the audio out does not function. i was having issues with memory before, but the audio out was new to me. there's a good chance this had something to do with my rather improper way of storing things (they are chucked in a bin and i tend to be slammy) though technically it's better than everything being laid out on the floor where i could step on it. that really sucks. another thing i spent money on and it now does not work. i was testing out my midi timing with the mac too, and i think the mc-307 has shit timing or heavy latency. could be a factor of the synth engine, or os, or whatever else. it has had less dropouts with the ea-1 (only one i remember while tweaking resonance), and my shitty boss dr-3 seemed to be perfectly fine. 999bpm 256lpb in renoise does cause it to crash but i don't think you need a rocket scientist to know that.

i've basically decided that my plan is to get an e-mu esi2000, or 4000, or if so be it, an esi-32, and basically just do everything on that. they all have trigger modes which is pretty cool, and are built around expandability though people almost certainly overcharge for that. i know akai is what everyone prefers for rack samplers but im a contrarian, plus the most affordable akai with the amount of money i'd be able to get is an akai s2000, or an s01 god forbid (though that might be a good lo-fi effector. i'd rather get the akai s20 though, which is more expensive) and i would like more filters and sample processing available to me than brand recognition. besides, i'm a filthy american, i should side with the filthy american sampler company. lol. i've just been slightly depressed on and off this month. i'm finally done with college though! no more exams, no more online classes, yay!
...well, with this semester. i might go again next year, i might take on a trade school, i don't really know. i feel so much pressure to decide right now, even though i almost certainly have a month before i need to decide. being alive is stressful. everything is stressful. i really feel an immense desire to wake up at 4:30 in the morning.

i would post about my two dreams i've had but i might save those for tomorrow. dunno......... um.
bye.

shoot up a restaurant

we got some food coupons in the mail and one of them was subway. i didn't take any of the coupons (well, i cut one out but you'll see.) i saw that apparently they had protein pockets for 4 bucks, i thought that was kind of interesting. so i took my overheating van over there at about 2:15 pm, right? guy says it'll be a while before things are open. a couple comes in. he tells them it'll be 15 minutes. i leave, a bit annoyed, and i go home, do a couple dishes. i go back a few minutes ago. he tells me "sorry man, you missed it again." what the fuck are you on about? i said god damn it, and left the store, but as i was getting into my van i yelled some very insulting things to myself. i don't think he heard me since he was inside, but this guy coming out of his fancy rich privilege black car might've heard me. i was gonna maybe do delivery, but looking at the delivery prices on uber eats, no fuck that. fuck you. and even more, i go to look at the protein pockets, it's just shit wrapped in a tortilla. i could make that at home!!! fuck subway. fuck that guy. it probably isn't his fault but he said things in a slightly condescending way so fuck him. subway is stupid expensive anyway, they fucking suck. fuck you jared fogle, fucking mentally challenged child molesting fat stoner fuck. fuck you.

my ear closed up again likely due to air pressure last night. was not fun. my radiator is still fucked. i'm thinking of going into engineering. i also had to spend 8.95 to ship a 11mm in diameter button for my ef-303. incredibly stupid. fuck my life.

qweef

greetings friends. i just had a very interesting experience with a massage chair they have at my college. it sure liked shaking my buttocks.

it's hard to describe how exactly i feel after using it. i think i feel lighter? but i have no clue how i felt before, though i think my back pain is cropping back up. i can tell you now i feel sleepy though. i've been selling some stuff to go get a different sampler because i'm still pissed off over my sp-555 not working. i'm thinking of getting a korg microsampler if possible, a boss sp303 would be cool but i think the microsampler offers more for less. it does seem like it's a little clunky, but it's got infinite loops and that's already good enough for me. one effects engine is kind of lame, two i think would be best, but oh well. i'm already planning on buying a digital reverb pedal so that i can learn how to use reverb. (probably behringer, if i'm lucky moneywise i'll pick up a boss reverb.)

some ideas are being had for new tennis/skeletons stuff. i'm wanting to go back to using samples, but more in the way i used them on "toilet bin" where it was more transformative, and kind of hip-hoppy. i've been listening to the +3 vorpal mix of lesser's "4th level dwarf fighter", which was the "american experience" exclusive version of that. the original isn't as great but it is absolutely a mindfuck for 1996. BTW if you've never listened to "welcome to the american experience" you absolutely should. i dunno if the CD is entirely up there for me but the 12" is absolutely killler and "the anal retentive last stand" is tied for my favorite song. (slightly above it is printed circuit's "gimmie aibo" which is really cute.) but the tl;dr is i plan on ripping off the vibes of +3 vorpal, and also i might use more movie samples but in less obvious ways. i watched "revenge of the nerds" and the 2017 jumanji last night with my dad, they were both okay. i can tell you right off the bat that "revenge of the nerds" is a much better college sex romp than "animal house", which is worse than an ear infection. god that movie was boring, and i only watched it because some dude sampled it on a song he pretends doesn't exist. "revenge of the nerds" has rape by deception in it and it's still more respectful of women than animal house. i hate animal house. fuck you john landis.

i spent an hour and a half working on a beat called "4.9% apr" (rate may change in future) yesterday, i had forgotten what it had sounded like in my head, it was like a lo-fi rock beat. kick kick snare. kick kick ba snare ba. i have the rhythm down but i'm gonna have to probably put it together from multiple variations of what i've got together now. not having a lifetime of listening to records outside of your main genre kind of fucks you over when it comes to sample hunting, i really need to listen to a lot more soul and prog. i do mean to lift the drums from ELP's "toccatta" at some point because it had a really good drum solo near the end of it, i think i liked that record alright. prog is pretty neat.

i know you probably like to get your world news from alternative sources, so i'll go ahead and sum it up for you:
the child molesters are still bitching over a river with oil. at least 10% of americans have considered converting to islam because of this. mark zuckerberg posted a picture of him copulating with fetuses while wearing a lawrence welk mask. that is all.

hopefully i'll get the microsampler and if i'm lucky, i'll get enough money to pick up a keyboard synth, maybe a microkorg, micro xl (r3 makes more sense though), or something else. i'd prefer to get something polyphonic though, and not like an arturia microbrute which i'm sure is pretty nifty but i don't have much use for a monosynth... or maybe i do. it really just depends. i still need to pick up the gay little ragga microphone teenage engineering started offering for individual sale. i don't care if i barely use it, that product is made FOR me. a crappy microphone with customizable effects and samplers, runs off batteries and plugs in via 3.5mm? that's the kind of thing i would buy instantly. we'll see though.

if anyone in my state is reading this, i'll try and hit up some open mics next month, maybe use my mc-307 to pump you full of muzak or trance goodness. i think i should write some mindless trance patterns on there because i think it'd be funny and a nice change of pace from loud screechy noise. "milk and honey" is still languishing, mostly due to a lack of available jewel cases, which also prevents me from selling snuffleupagus or reterol. (i'm thinking of putting snuffleupagus in a paper sleeve though, and just having that be a really cheap tour cdr.) i have finally gotten back onto my mac though, so the old discography collection should hopefully be available within a couple weeks. i'll have to measure it but it'll likely be 25 bucks for 12-15 hours of music, which is a pretty good deal. i'm tempted to have it be in FLAC but i think for bandwidth's sake it'll be in 320kbps MP3. i think that's a pretty good compromise anyway, cos while i do like FLAC, i prefer to have music i listen to in mp3. speaking of lesser i do wish we could get his big mp3 cd-r release from 2001 in higher quality than 128kbps, but i dunno. i wanna check out his new modular album despite the shitty ai cover. he does work in technology, so there is a small fear he's a dumb fart huffing techbro, but it's lesser. i do like lesser.

i'm thinking of visiting the massage chair again. if i get the opportunity, i'll do it naked.
adios ---tapeworm

sleepy little update doggy

it is 12:15 as i start writing this. i'm kind of tired so i should probably sleep soon but i got distracted doing.. something, and also having to use the bathroom a lot. i suspect that is due to my antibiotics. i've been on antibiotics recently due to the ear infection that was so hardcore it ruptured my eardrum. things are getting better! things are also very crusty and itchy and it makes me wanna shove a drill in my ear. seriously, it's so hard to keep my hand away from my ear and i know because i've failed multiple times. however i'm able to hear pretty well now, and i think once i have finished the cycle of antibiotics i will be positively peachy! yay! gonna need to buy over-ears though, i kind of hate the idea of using earbuds now. i actually had a really kicking pair that while not fully angled to my ears, was still really good and came with a tape recorder my greataunt gave to me. like, for some cheap plastic headphones they were good. it was a lot more comfortable than earbuds too, not having to deal with how the one in the left ear felt weird or the one in the right ear kinda hurt, i hated that. but sadly they broke at some point.

i have obtained a behringer vintage delay, and i will try to do some new improvs with that and the ef-303 included in the setup. i've also charged my powerbook for the first time in a while, gonna mess around with spark xl, maybe do that song about horse sex in vocalwriter finally (condemning horse sex, mind you). still kind of sucks that i can't run any mac os 9 applications on it because it's just too new, thanks a lot apple you fucking dogshit company. tim cook you fucking cunt, go back to whatever boy love sex dungeon you came from you fucking cuntwad.

i'm really hoping i can get some money to pick up a boss sp-303 soon, i'd like to get the synthi but i'm more concerned with getting a fucking sampler so i can finally do half of the ideas i've had laying around, also need to clean my room and find my tv remote so i can get back to using my mac mini. i've been using my college laptop for the past few weeks and it sucks, it really does. oh yeah, the reason my mac is indisposed is because of my stupid math exam. i was about to take my 3rd math exam, after i was unable to do my second one due to technical difficulties (then apathy, but that was afterwards), but it's a virtual exam so they don't want you cheating. i turned off my tv since i had lost the remote a while ago (bit afraid i threw it away, i doubt i did but it's always possible, and the tv itself has no buttons) so i just unplugged it. bad move, because guess what. i couldn't do the fucking exam, the proctoring software literally broke on me and failed to recognize my built in camera or microphone even though they weren't disabled! i ended up dropping math because i was so pissed by this, but yeah, haven't been able to use my mac since, and it makes a lot of stuff hard.

i'd like to be in the rain nude, yet be in a waterfall or something so i could feel enveloped by a blanket. bye

new

it's been a while, hasn't it? here's some updates and stuff:

my dad is now back from the hospital against medical advice, after a fair amount of healing. i think he should've stayed a few more days but i am sympathetic to why he chose to leave. if anything is gonna make a member of this family break, it's not having a stable grounded reality. he had no clue what time it was, what had happened, how much time had passed, things kept nagging at him. i get it.

i got a cold and that caused my idiocy with some earwax remover to result in today's swollen ear canal. i no joke woke up at like 4 am in pain because of it, and i've had to ice it and stuff since. it might be getting better, but of course it had to happen after the cold.

i'm dropping my math class because of stupid lockdown browser bullshit causing me to not be able to do my exam. that's two exams in a row that i couldn't do because of some moronic technical issue and i'm really pissed. but in my opinion, math is just a class that SHOULDN'T be done online unless you have an actually stable framework or setup. there's so much writing stuff down, and ultimately i just don't think you can do math unless you can ask the teacher to come over and help you figure out how to not be incredibly stupid. i don't like my teacher. he sounds like a twink but from what i looked up he's like 60 or something and that really fucks with me.

good news, i have an EP and an album in the works. the EP should probably be dropped on the site sometime soon, but i might focus on putting the album out via CD, then putting it up here. i also have a bunch of discs with "reterol" on them, i dunno what i'll do about that. i may still attempt to start a record label but honestly i'm just not attempting super concrete plans as of now.

i've been depressed as usual, and a lot of my usual depression revolves around not being born earlier. technically not something i had any choice over, but it pisses me off that i can't be a 19 year old in the year 1997 or something. i hate living under constant threat of idiotic war, and a fucking surveillance state that rapes children for the lolz. yeah, i know i've got some white privilege and shit and there's people out there who have it leagues worse than me, i recognize that. i'm just saying, as someone who has thought about suicide before, these fat braindead geriatric pedos who hold office sure are testing my patience with sticking it out. ideally i would move, but i wanna be with my friends and i don't think they could move with me. have you seen the range of the jericho 2 missiles? i don't know if we all have the resources to move to austrailia.

this girl in my government class uses chatgpt for everything and i wanna hit her upside the head. fucking lead poisoned twat. sorry.

see you soon and check out the new site updates. i've got a ko-fi now, so that's pretty wicked though i'll still need to think of what to do with it. bye

up the ass

so a lot has happened in two days. i'm gonna bitch about it:

my dad is in the hospital, he suffered from a brain aneurysm, or had gotten one and it lapsed. i was basically in my underwear putting up groceries and i heard him start moaning and whimpering. and i kept my cool but i had to consult my brother at the laundromat on what to do. i had to check him for signs of a stroke, and when he was conscious he had me look up overdose symptoms, including the symptons of something called serotonin syndrome. i restrained my emotion but as the ambulance left i was just in my mom's room and i broke down crying. like it's genuinely fucked i had to watch my dad as his brain bled out hard and i just didn't know what to do. i tried going to sleep last night but i just saw it in my head which kept me up, then i ruined myself again. he seems to be doing betterish now, but he has to stay for about three weeks.

really not fucking cool man.

i also tried going up to the repair shop that might've been able to fix my sp-555, but despite what google maps, their site, and the literal sign on their window said, they were closed at the time i got there. i'm still really fucking pissed about that even though i know it's on my fat monkey-brain ass for thinking "for parts" would mean working since the description only said the screen was busted but everything else seemed fine. earlier today when i booted it up to test it out it said 666 and that was unnerving. so was the creepy white SUV in front of my house that was probably a bunch of men who like to rape 300 lb little fat boys. polticians probably

i'm trying to go to an event soon but i have to use a lyft to get there cos it's in a different city and the bus doesn't run the express to and from it on weekends which is gay. hopefully i might be able to win the raffle prize there. i'm not saying it now in case chaya raichik is spying on my blog, rubbing her diseased deformed nipples as she stares at the anime boy rape yaoi she has open on her iphone 17, as she plots to kidnap me and shove c4 in my anus. she would do that. i'm 98% certain she would do that. but it might be a pretty fun thing, it'll probably get my connections or something.

today i watched the first monty python feature and mel brooks' "the producers" from 1967. i also tried watching richard pryor live on the sunset strip but got distracted to help clean my mom's room and also it kinda fell in quality after the first few jokes but maybe i'll give it another chance later

i still mean to work on my split with my friend, pretty sure she's much farther in getting tracks done than my lazy adhd ass is. i've got some good ideas, i'm just not motivated to work in openmpt or renoise or anything. i do wanna check out argeiphontes lyre soon, i listened to the icelandic lament record akira did with this software and it was neat. the software seems neater though. it's languishing on my mac. in terms of a full length i know some stuff i wanna record for it, i'm gonna put my sample stomper "diarrhea" on it and i'm planning to rerecord "i blow minds for a living" finally so there's a studio version of it that doesn't suck cock

today i grabbed the right boob of a mannequin and that was probably the best part of my day

bye